Ms VP - Trilogy - the 2nd part (Poke Chop Lice)

While I was waiting at the traffic junction between Beach road and SUNTEC, a aunty Ah
Lian, took out her ringing bling bling phone and answered. The moment she said Hello, I could almost at once picture myself whipping out my ”Certified True Ah
Lian” chop and chop it all over her face.

Anyway, this Ah Lian Aunty was talking to her equally Ah lian friend over the phone and I guess they must be talking about where to lunch and Ah Lian Aunty immediately
suggested the bery nice POKE CHOP LICE at the Shaw Tower food court. Upon hearing that, I started getting bitchy and scrutinized her conversation and I counted
how many times she mentioned Poke Chop Lice…. A grand total of 5 times. Imagine the agony I had to go through while waiting for the light to turn green. I had to subject myself to those totally absurd pronunciations. What does she want to Poke?? The Chop or the Lice?

In any case, she can’t poke cos she has no LJ, she only has a smelly CB that can be poked by Fat Lift Bastard “Golden Penis Award”.

Sometimes, I just don’t understand why people do not make the little effort to ensure that the words they speak sound right before they blurt it out of their CB
mouth. Another classic example of mispronounced word is COUPON… There are many ways of pronouncing this word. Coupun, Copon, Copun and the worst of all.
Kapun.

What the hell are those??

Only idiots who mouthed them will understand what they mean. Well, I guess sometimes the word is just too funny to be pronounced correctly by everyone. Another word that
can have many different versions of pronouncing is POKEMON. There are people who pronounce it as Pokimon, some pronounce as Pogaymon, others call it Pokaymun.
While Ms VP prefers to call it Poke-it-moan. Can you imagine how cool the toys or cartoon will be?? They are small little pets which you keep and instead of
releasing them from the ball for the battles, you poke it and it will moan. Each one has different ways to moan and whoever moans the most Sluttish will be crown the Poke-it-moan king.

Ok ok, guess VP is tired and it’s time for bed. So much for now and I will return with more.

Why every gal thinks she is Carrie Bradshaw?

It is amazing that every gal whom seemed to be suffering from a bout of love trouble inevitably thinks she is in a ‘Carrie Bradshaw’ situation.

“I can so relate to her”

“Me and my bf are so like Carrie and Mr Big…”

“Remember the episode on…., that was me!”

I guess when you are feeling low & down, the best thing that you can do is to romanticising your problems, make yourself the leading actress of your world.

And if that takes a little pain off your shoulders and gives you a little hope at the end of the day, why not?

After all, Carrie Bradshaw did finally snag her Mr Big after six seasons of on-off-on-off relationships.

But the funny thing is, no one wants to be Miranda...and I wonder why.

She has a good career, a good family and a good husband. Isn’t this what every woman wants? Maybe it is because of her lack of dress sense, the lack of designer shoes or the serious lack of a bunch of romantically failed relationships with hot hunky men.

And so my nagging suspicion is that, like Carrie Bradshaw, when it comes to failed relationships and personal dramas, sometimes we are subconsciously just asking for it…..




Love,
Princess Carrie Bradshaw

The Lift Bitch / Lift Bastard

Presenting.... Celebrity Writer, Ms Vuglar Penis's latest piece of crude work..., Enjoy

Ok ok, I know I have been missing for sometime and I am sure some of you guys miss me. The fabulous Ms VP. But I can’t help it, it’s tough dealing with the animals at ‘The Other Zoo’ in Singapore. Everyday is a struggle for me to stay alive.

Well, I am gonna talk about the lift bitch/lift bastard today. I am sure some or even all of you who works or stay in high rise building would have experience the Lift Bitch/Lift Bastard (now on known as (LB)2). From Afar, even before boarding the lift, you would have noticed the(LB)2 . They will walk towards the lifts with folded
arms or clutching their IPOD/ Walkman/Handphone as if they are holding on to their “Golden Penis award”.

When the lift finally arrives, the (LB)2 will be one of the first to rush into the lift and stand next to the lift buttons panel. They will block every one from pressing the lift buttons with their boobs/tummy and will be rooted there till they reach their floor. Along the way, when the lift opens on other floors for others to get down, the (LB)2 will just stand there, rooted, continue holding on to their “Golden Penis Award” and not pressing the close button door when people alighted. They behave as if they are regurgitating their acceptance speech in their head for their “golden Penis Award”. This will conitinue all the way until they reach their floor. It’s like they are expecting others to press through their
boobies or fat tummy when they are standing right next to the panel blocking every one.

I always feel that there should be a “Special Operation Squard” to catch these (LB)2. Once spotted, the SOS will hand cuffed these (LB)2, take them to their special Headquarter, open up their head and insert a microchip into their head. The next time these (LB)2 take the lift and continue to clutch on to their “Golden Penis Award”,they would involuntarily collapse to the floor, take off their skirt/pants and start inserting the “Golden Penis Award” into their asshole. This will certainly
teach them what it means by “Pain in the ass” and that will definitely remind them to not be a “Pain in the ass” for their future Lift trips.


Sincerely
VP

Dying Ants

It was one of those unfortunate times.

The princess accidentally discovered a family of ants (all hundreds of them) hidden in the depth of her desk and she freaked out. At the split moment, she brutally massacred them without a second thought. Moments later, seeing them struggled with life under the poisonous spray of insecticide, the princess was somehow overwhelmed with guilt and fear.

I wondered if taking hundreds of life was going to cause irreparable damage to my karma so early in the new year? Can countless times of good work be offset by a single act of evil? Would these ants reincarnated and haunt me in their next life and when I sleep at night?

Then the princess begins to ponder over the fate and lives of these tiny creatures. Do they ever question if life holds a greater purpose for them other than working all day? Have they ever felt that they are a bunch of meaningless creatures just living in the world only to be sprayed and killed at the end of the day? Do they ever compare and complain about how fat or ugly they look in comparison? And how the rich ants get richer and the poor gets poorer?

Maybe they are just happy to die and be free from their troubles.

With that thought, the princess gingerly sweeps their remains off the desk and into bin before she says a little prayer and moves on with her life.

Perhaps, this is a reminder to the princess that life is usually brutally unfair most of the time, no one is indisposable and the world moves on with or without you in it.

The Perfect Year

2007, what a beautiful year!

After a rushed and turbulent 2006, the princess feels that things must be looking up in the New Year.

Emerging wiser and much more beautiful from taking all that shit in the past year, the princess feels totally equipped to breeze through this year with total grace and glamor.

And her only resolution this year is to be a dynamic woman using 10 time-tested tricks up her sleeve:
1) Always dress in power suit and 4” heels;
2) Never smile, only purse the lips if really required;
3) Eludes that dangerous confident sex appeal 24/7;
4) Be always ready to bark at the less efficient minions around;
5) Be condescending;
6) Stride like Naomi Campbell every time;
7) Demand only the best;
8) Get a successful man, failing which, get a toy boy;
9) Behaves like you know everything; and
10) Moisturise, Moisturise, Moisturise.

So, cheers to 2007!

New year, New hope, New princess.